Life?
A
memoir of a girl who finally felt loved
There are times in everyone’s life
when a change must happen or impending doom is near. At least it feels like
that in our own measly little heads. Why is it that everyone who was ever born thought
that they were going to do something great? We are no different than one
another yet each of us strives to be known for something huge. I have never
been one of those people. People who have huge dreams of being famous or known
throughout the lands are a dime a dozen. What about us folks that would like to
live life, each day completely content with every minute, not doing the world a
huge favor, but simply living a life. This may sound like I’m trying to
diminish your goals, but some of us just don’t have huge goals. I want the
world to know that it is finally ok to “to be just” something. Every time I
have told anyone that I want to be just a mommy. They look at me like I would
give up my entire life. I would not be giving up anything! I would be living
the life I have always wanted. Therefore I would be completely content.
I
want to learn how to live, and not have my goals or ideas have “to be just” in
front of them. To be a stay at home mom, a video gamer, a mental hospital
patient, or a millionaire it doesn’t matter what the title is. We need to get
back to the basics of what life is really about. It is not about money, it is
about learning to be content with whatever life has given you. I am 24 years
old, and have wanted to be a mom since before I knew where babies came from.
Yet here I am nowhere near having a husband or children. My goal to becoming a
mommy and a stay at home wife, are slowly losing the pull that they have always
had on me. Depression and hopelessness have set in on the idea. Yes I know I’m
still young, but 4 children, a marriage, those all take time, and I feel like
time is not what I have.
I
am realizing that it doesn’t matter how many times I tell myself that I need to
be content with where I am, it doesn’t change the situation. So I am thinking a
different approach is needed. A more firm awareness of really how ideal my life
is at every single moment that I am living it. Why don’t we appreciate every
breath of air that comes into our lungs? Well frankly because we like to worry
about everything else that could possibly go wrong in our day, hour, or minute.
Some days I know can be easier than others, but that doesn’t mean that we need
to worry at all!!! If I took as much time meditating on the trees, the sky, or
even the grass, my life would be ideal. We need to take moments and realize
that we are only a single piece in this huge puzzle we know as life. There is
not enough time for us to worry a single moment about what “might”, “should”,
“could have” or “will” happen. Our days are numbered and that means that we
need to get out of our own heads for even a minute a day and think about what
we can do to be content. Yes this still sounds self-seeking but in all
actuality most of us crave to do something for the greater good of others. We enjoy
being helpful, liked, and wanted. So look back into your childhood dreams and
see what extraordinary things you have always wanted to achieve.
Don’t
think that your dreams have to be big or amazing. Just simply look at who you
enjoy being around. If it is people, what kind of people? The elderly, the
young, middle aged. No matter what age group of people you enjoying being
around there are positions in life that are perfect for you. You can actually
be content doing what you love. So what if you’re not a people person. Do you
like animals? Well there is plenty to do in that field of work as well. Are you
a hands on type of person? Enjoy working on cars, fixing things, or cleaning?
Well all of those areas have positions as well.
The
main focus is to first find out what you enjoy and then the way in which to get
to that area the fastest. There are days that are easier to see that we each
have gifts and exactly what we are to do with them. Some days we like to get
inside of our heads and latch onto to every doubt that we have ever had about
ourselves. There is not enough time to lowly gag any longer. We are becoming
angry, bitter, sad, and pathetic people each day that we think that we have to
do what the world tells us to.
We
need to unlock that hidden passion and find out exactly what we love to do, how
to get to a place where we can do that, and what attitude we need to change in
order to feel content? There are so many ways of starting over, and the
quickest is to simply let you know that it is possible. There is no set time
that you have to be unhappy before you let your hair down and come to an
understanding that life is what you make of it. There is no one holding your
hand guiding you into all of your bad or unhealthy decisions. Sorry to say but
you are doing that to yourself. How many times have you woken up in the morning
said to yourself “this is going to be a great day!” and it turned out to be the
most miserable day of your entire life? Or was it really a great day. It is all
a matter of whether you actually believe yourself or not. Most of the time the
miserable days come when I wake up on the wrong side of the bed, lie to myself
that everything is great, and then continue with the same wrong side of the bed
attitude all day, thinking that I am giving everyone the great day attitude.
What
is going on with the world that we all think we have to pretend so hard, or
everybody will run away as fast as they can from us? We are all corky in our
own unique way but that is what makes us fundamentally human. If we only had
instincts and hormones to drive us, we would be animals. We are not animals
though. We have dreams and thoughts that make us remarkable! These thoughts and
dreams can foreshadow what could happen in the future. Uh oh I said the word
could. What I meant to say was, that we can see what we want from the world in
our future. Therefore we are vastly different from our animal friends.
Animals
bring up some negative emotions towards the people that project their own
feelings into animals. They care more about what is going on in animals’ lives
then babies that are left in dumpsters to die. As you can tell I’m a people
person, not an animal person by any means.
A thought occurred to me, “what if people don’t like me
because I just said that.” That thought is precisely why I feel the need for
people to only care about what they
think about themselves.
I heard the most amazing thought
process by a man. He said that everyone else’s thoughts are a gift, good or
bad. If you choose not to accept that gift than you don’t need to carry it
around with you. Who does the gift belong to then? The gift still belongs to
the sender of course. There is no reason to keep something ugly, gross, or
plain useless, right? So remember that no matter what anyone thinks or feels
about you, your own opinion is the only one that matters. You have to live with
yourself and be able to live in your own skin. If what you do makes it so that
you are proud of yourself, fulfilled, or feel loved, by all means then you live
that way. If you live in a way that you often wake up feeling overwhelmed
because of life’s little worries, feel like you give up what you believe more
often than fighting for it, or feel unloved no matter what or who you give
yourself to. Look at the source. It is only you that can change your
surroundings. Only I can love myself to the point where I feel content. I can’t
hang on to others and expect them to give me the love I need when I’m not even
taking the time to give it to myself. How can we give the right amount of love
to others if we don't take responsibility for our own love? We either refuse to
fill ourselves up or try to give everything we have away, all the time. Leaving
us useless. We will never truly love or be loved if we continue our lives in
this horrid direction.
I won’t be able to do it. I will
dry up and wonder at the end of the day why I‘m so angry for no reason, or feel
completely empty void of all emotion and energy. Life is supposed to be exactly
that: living. So why are we so scared to most of the time? We need to stop
worrying about getting hurt or falling down because if we all gave ourselves
the love and encouragement that we were supposed to, fear wouldn’t be able to
snag us so easily.
Life is so underestimated. What is one
life worth? I guess it depends on who you are asking. If we don’t know that
person, then their lives are not very important to us. What if they are our
father, daughter, lover, or friend? Their lives could be what hold us together.
Their love alone could be our savior. How can we as people create worlds where
other humans are more important than ourselves? Is that what we are supposed to
be living for? Are we to create such strong and aching connections to those
around us that when they leave we are left but shells of humans? Some of us
don’t know any other way. We search for meaning when there is nothing but
someone fooling us into listening to their chaos, and become part of their
self-destruction. What life are we living that marriage has become something so
scary that people would rather not even get into one? We have no true
connections with the people that we love. We have no voices that say, “it is
ok, love is true and real, and there is such a thing as being happy with one
person for the rest of your life!” Wow, what if our focus shifted to show those
who made it through life unscathed by divorce. Would it be encouraging to even
one couple? It would be more that. It would be mind altering the amount of
confidence and choice that people really had. People are different, that is
what makes us amazing. So when we come together, we have a choice. You can stay
and work it out. No matter how difficult that choice may be they will always
lead to: love, trust, vulnerability, communication, and understanding. This is
all any relationship needs to last through every change and heartache that will
come our way through life.
I think that if we actually
realized how often our words, thoughts, and actions crush those that we love,
people would try harder to soften their voices, speak words of love, and listen
to a broken heart. We are all broken in this world. There is no doubt about
that, so lets take some time to actually start healing those hearts by loving
those around us. Our hearts melt like butter when we see that we have truly
given someone our attention and they feel loved and accepted after the
experience.
My goal is to take time everyday to
truly listen to someone. Not because of who they are or what the circumstance
may be. I’m just going to start letting myself be open to those around me. I’m
no longer going to be scared that letting someone into my life is going to hurt
me. Choosing to be positive and open are our only means of controlling the
world. We do have a choice to let our worlds swallow us whole or live
peacefully in a positive, open mindset.
What is it about peace that feels
so foreign to me? I love being content and peaceful in a situation, but so
often the feeling doesn’t last long enough mainly because I begin to worry or
think about something completely out of my control or having to do with someone
else’s actions. I don’t need to let other people’s behavior dictate my own
peace. An amazing God that created us to enjoy him and his creation gives peace
and grace to us. How is it that we live in such a beautiful world yet we focus
mainly on the evil and ugliness around us? I realize that it is so easy for me
to live carefree and at peace within my own skin when the wild surrounds me.
Camping is a refuge to me, the only things to worry about is… oh wait, nothing.
You wake up with the birds, walk, swim, bike, fish, eat, enjoy the fire, and
sleep. Isn’t this what life was like before we decided that we couldn’t live
without our computers, televisions, phones, and internet. Life can still be simple
but we have to make it that way now. There is no one telling us to turn off the
chaos. We can live without all of the crazy technology out there, we weren’t
all born with a cell phone and computer in our hands. We learned to depend on
these things and they are wonderful to have, but they can’t make us complete. I
need to learn that while these things may be helpful to me, they don’t make me
who I am. There is a difference between choosing to sit in front of a
television for 8 hours because you deserve a day off, and walking through the
forest enjoying nature because you deserve a day off. The relaxation that comes
from truly enjoying life around you when communing with nature far outweighs
the stress of watching other people’s drama on the television. I am the first
one to admit, I love reality shows. The raw emotion and arguments make me feel
good about my own life, but I have to realize that they actually cause more
stress. Instead of working on my own heart, body, and soul I am trying to
justify that I am perfect because I see peoples problems right out in the open.
This can be detrimental to my own health. I have many things that I will get to
work on the rest of my life. Some of those already being mentioned such as,
truly listening to those around me and being open minded to what the world has
to teach me everyday. I know that everyday is a gift, if I’m going to get the
most out of each gift I receive I have to be willing to receive everything that
gift is giving me. I know that people aren’t perfect but it doesn’t make it
easier to forgive people when they break your heart. I know that people can say
things just because they are hurting and broken, but it doesn’t mean that I am
able to let it slide right off my back. These are the things that I want to
master though each day. Each day can make me a more real and thoughtful person.
Each day can be the best day of my life if I am willing to be open to each
opportunity and seek out ways to love those around me and myself.
I believe it is so hard for us to
take care of ourselves better than those around us are because we are not
taught the steps. The steps of taking time out each and everyday to make us the
best we can be. Whether that is writing what we are thankful for, meditating,
learning a new craft or trade, enjoying the roses, or anything else that truly
makes our heart smile. Our society is so bent on telling us to be busy,
stressed, and workaholics that we have forgotten that the point of life is
completely the opposite of our societies views. Our whole role in life is to
create deep, meaningful relationships and enjoy each moment that we have, doing
exactly what we love to do.
I am in a relationship with a man
who thinks that he has lost his mind. He is not crazy or incoherent but he has
lost the ability within himself to see how unique he is. He honors himself by
giving time to do things that really make him happy, and he makes it a
priority. I didn’t realize that I was jealous of this fact until I become open
to letting him be exactly who he is. I want him to be happy because then we are
able to be happy when we come together. He lives life in a way that I never
thought was possible before meeting him. He tells you exactly what he thinks
about everything, and doesn’t find an excuse for anything he does. If I don’t
like it then I open my mind to why it is I’m against it and realize that it is
because I am not allowing myself to live the same way. I can be free to speak,
love and work in the exact way that I want to. If I want to work 10 hours days doing
what I love to do, I’m allowed to do that. If I want to spend time with people
that make me happy I’m allowed to do that as well. I no longer have to set up
boundaries that fit into societies views of how I’m supposed to do things. I
don’t want to hope on the train and be bullied into fit into the image that I
am supposed to fit into. I want to feel good about my body, my mind, and my
soul.
4
Years Later
I found this piece of writing
today, and decided that it should be let out for the world to see. I never
realized that I have been practicing living in the moment and truly listening
to my desires for 4 years now. I have followed every word of advice in this
essay, without even realizing, and I dare say my life is the better for it. I
married that man that I speak of above, and I remind myself to stay open to his
way of doing things sometimes on a daily basis. That is the beauty of us all
though. We are unique and we can become better people by learning about how
others process and deal instead of trying to control their behavior. I am a
stay at home wife and full time mommy. I don’t say, “I am just a mom.” I am
proud and grateful that I can say with confidence, “I am a full time mommy!”
Life is such a gift. Keeping track of thought processes, like this essay,
remind me how important it is to journal. Writing down my ideas, and seeing
years later how they have changed and progressed is a wonderful process. Seek
out your dreams and follow them, no matter what anyone else has to say about
it. You will feel immense peace and joy everyday when you are doing what you
truly love!
